Fear, doubt, pride

So, it's been a little while... Haha. 

Most people would describe me as outgoing, talkative, and loud. And it's probably true. So why is it that when asked to speak in front of a crowd that I freeze up and want to toss my cookies? Fear. 

The bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control." (AMP)

The night I was asked to lead prayer, I had everything the bible says I wasn't given and none of what I was given. I allowed fear of what people would think take root and keep me from speaking the word God had given me. I missed it. Big time. 

Fear is a powerful weapon of the enemy. Yes, God is greater than all, but sometimes we underestimate the tactics of the enemy. That night, I literally was sick with fear. The thought of getting up in front of those ten or so people made me so nauseous that I went to the restroom and threw up. 

Doubt. It goes hand in hand with fear. I doubted the word that God gave me. 

1 Timothy 2:8 says "I desire therefore that in every place men should pray, without anger or quarreling or resentment or doubt [in their minds], lifting up holy hands." (AMP)

And let's just get real for a minute: pride rose up in me. If I really believed that God would speak through me, I would've never held back. But I didn't believe it. Not really. I didn't want to speak because I was afraid of what people would say or think about the youngest person in the room getting up and speaking. One of my absolute favorite verses in the whole bible is 1 Timothy 4:12, which says "Let no one despise or think less of you because of your youth, but be an example (pattern) for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity." (AMP)

Yes, I know this seems like an Amanda-bashing session, but it's not. I'm not expecting myself to be perfect in any way, shape, or form. I also do not want to make the same mistake more than once. I don't want to go around that stupid mountain again. My other hope is, by reading this, you can avoid this same trap of the enemy to silence the word God has given you. Don't compare yourself to other preachers/teachers/ministers of the word. Just. Be. You! God is not asking you to speak like someone else. That's not genuine. There is as much power (if not more) in 5 minutes of Holy Spirit led word than in hours of big name preachers! Allow the Holy Spirit to use you! Even if you have to do it afraid, do it. Don't hold back. All that gives is guilt and shame. 

Matthew 10:20 "For it is not you who are speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." (AMP)

I never want to forget this again.