Don't look back but don't forget where you came from

I've gone through some pretty major changes in the past 16 months. 

Understatement. Of. The. Year. 

It started with running from what God wanted me to do until I was so miserable I had to face it. I had to leave familiar. I had to disappoint people. My home away from home of 10 years was my comfort zone. I came there a broken 14 year old and gave the pieces to God that very first night. Little did I know that one decision would radically change my entire life! The most amazing people had come into my life and poured into me. Leaving was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I had to realize that as much as I love all of these amazing people, that they were not my reason for coming to church. I only want to please God, so I took the plunge. 

I spent the next 7 months driving 90 minutes round trip anywhere from 2-5 times a week. I knew it was time to move. 23 years of living in the same county and I was moving away. It was difficult to say goodbye, but also really exciting. This was a new chapter of my life in a very big way. 

I say all of that because those were all the tools that helped to shape me into who I am today. I have grown more in this time than in any time of my entire life. God took this mess and made something worth something. So yes, I know where I came from but I refuse to look back and long for my comfortable life. To quote my pastor, "I am the most comfortable uncomfortable person." It really is true! I praise God for that because I know this season of stretching physically, mentally, and emotionally is going to pay off! As much as a miss all my friends and family back home (and I do... A LOT) I will focus on where God is taking me, showing me, and teaching me.

Bring it on!

Fear, doubt, pride

So, it's been a little while... Haha. 

Most people would describe me as outgoing, talkative, and loud. And it's probably true. So why is it that when asked to speak in front of a crowd that I freeze up and want to toss my cookies? Fear. 

The bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control." (AMP)

The night I was asked to lead prayer, I had everything the bible says I wasn't given and none of what I was given. I allowed fear of what people would think take root and keep me from speaking the word God had given me. I missed it. Big time. 

Fear is a powerful weapon of the enemy. Yes, God is greater than all, but sometimes we underestimate the tactics of the enemy. That night, I literally was sick with fear. The thought of getting up in front of those ten or so people made me so nauseous that I went to the restroom and threw up. 

Doubt. It goes hand in hand with fear. I doubted the word that God gave me. 

1 Timothy 2:8 says "I desire therefore that in every place men should pray, without anger or quarreling or resentment or doubt [in their minds], lifting up holy hands." (AMP)

And let's just get real for a minute: pride rose up in me. If I really believed that God would speak through me, I would've never held back. But I didn't believe it. Not really. I didn't want to speak because I was afraid of what people would say or think about the youngest person in the room getting up and speaking. One of my absolute favorite verses in the whole bible is 1 Timothy 4:12, which says "Let no one despise or think less of you because of your youth, but be an example (pattern) for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity." (AMP)

Yes, I know this seems like an Amanda-bashing session, but it's not. I'm not expecting myself to be perfect in any way, shape, or form. I also do not want to make the same mistake more than once. I don't want to go around that stupid mountain again. My other hope is, by reading this, you can avoid this same trap of the enemy to silence the word God has given you. Don't compare yourself to other preachers/teachers/ministers of the word. Just. Be. You! God is not asking you to speak like someone else. That's not genuine. There is as much power (if not more) in 5 minutes of Holy Spirit led word than in hours of big name preachers! Allow the Holy Spirit to use you! Even if you have to do it afraid, do it. Don't hold back. All that gives is guilt and shame. 

Matthew 10:20 "For it is not you who are speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." (AMP)

I never want to forget this again.