Don't look back but don't forget where you came from

I've gone through some pretty major changes in the past 16 months. 

Understatement. Of. The. Year. 

It started with running from what God wanted me to do until I was so miserable I had to face it. I had to leave familiar. I had to disappoint people. My home away from home of 10 years was my comfort zone. I came there a broken 14 year old and gave the pieces to God that very first night. Little did I know that one decision would radically change my entire life! The most amazing people had come into my life and poured into me. Leaving was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I had to realize that as much as I love all of these amazing people, that they were not my reason for coming to church. I only want to please God, so I took the plunge. 

I spent the next 7 months driving 90 minutes round trip anywhere from 2-5 times a week. I knew it was time to move. 23 years of living in the same county and I was moving away. It was difficult to say goodbye, but also really exciting. This was a new chapter of my life in a very big way. 

I say all of that because those were all the tools that helped to shape me into who I am today. I have grown more in this time than in any time of my entire life. God took this mess and made something worth something. So yes, I know where I came from but I refuse to look back and long for my comfortable life. To quote my pastor, "I am the most comfortable uncomfortable person." It really is true! I praise God for that because I know this season of stretching physically, mentally, and emotionally is going to pay off! As much as a miss all my friends and family back home (and I do... A LOT) I will focus on where God is taking me, showing me, and teaching me.

Bring it on!

Fear, doubt, pride

So, it's been a little while... Haha. 

Most people would describe me as outgoing, talkative, and loud. And it's probably true. So why is it that when asked to speak in front of a crowd that I freeze up and want to toss my cookies? Fear. 

The bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control." (AMP)

The night I was asked to lead prayer, I had everything the bible says I wasn't given and none of what I was given. I allowed fear of what people would think take root and keep me from speaking the word God had given me. I missed it. Big time. 

Fear is a powerful weapon of the enemy. Yes, God is greater than all, but sometimes we underestimate the tactics of the enemy. That night, I literally was sick with fear. The thought of getting up in front of those ten or so people made me so nauseous that I went to the restroom and threw up. 

Doubt. It goes hand in hand with fear. I doubted the word that God gave me. 

1 Timothy 2:8 says "I desire therefore that in every place men should pray, without anger or quarreling or resentment or doubt [in their minds], lifting up holy hands." (AMP)

And let's just get real for a minute: pride rose up in me. If I really believed that God would speak through me, I would've never held back. But I didn't believe it. Not really. I didn't want to speak because I was afraid of what people would say or think about the youngest person in the room getting up and speaking. One of my absolute favorite verses in the whole bible is 1 Timothy 4:12, which says "Let no one despise or think less of you because of your youth, but be an example (pattern) for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity." (AMP)

Yes, I know this seems like an Amanda-bashing session, but it's not. I'm not expecting myself to be perfect in any way, shape, or form. I also do not want to make the same mistake more than once. I don't want to go around that stupid mountain again. My other hope is, by reading this, you can avoid this same trap of the enemy to silence the word God has given you. Don't compare yourself to other preachers/teachers/ministers of the word. Just. Be. You! God is not asking you to speak like someone else. That's not genuine. There is as much power (if not more) in 5 minutes of Holy Spirit led word than in hours of big name preachers! Allow the Holy Spirit to use you! Even if you have to do it afraid, do it. Don't hold back. All that gives is guilt and shame. 

Matthew 10:20 "For it is not you who are speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." (AMP)

I never want to forget this again. 

Alone in a crowd

I'm sure everyone can relate to this feeling... being surrounded by people yet feeling completely alone. It affects all of us at one point or another. From here you have two choices: let the feeling overtake you and cause depression and sadness or fight back. This is a struggle I face from time to time. Sometimes I will find myself consumed with the thoughts of loneliness and just cry. But I get to a point where I don't care about the mind games the devil tries to play because I know what God's word says.  In Colossians 2:1 it says, "I want you to realize that I continue to work as hard as I know how for you, and also for the Christians over at Laodicea. Not many of you have met me face-to-face, but that doesn't make any difference. Know that I'm on your side, right alongside you. You're not in this alone." Really, it's the last part of this verse that speaks to me. God says I'm on your side and you're not in this alone! He is always there with you, no matter how much people fail you or make you feel abandoned. God is and will always be there!!! You can count on Him always. He is your comforter on the loneliest days. Nothing can go wrong in your life than God cannot handle and fix. Trust Him, completely.

The Soda Can Syndrome

If you're anything like me, you like to take your emotions and feelings and pack them up nice and tight. No one can see them. Everything is under control. That is, until there is some shaking that goes on. You feel the pressure building, but you know if you pop that top open, it's gonna get ugly!
This is what I've been dealing with basically my whole life, but just now actually addressing the issue. I've had to be so independent, that sometimes it is difficult for me to depend on God, although I know in my brain that I really do need Him. When something happens to me, my natural response is to bottle it all up because, hey, I've totally got this under control. But that problem is, when things are bottled up so much and you start getting shaken, pressure builds and eventually, it will explode. Then you've got a sticky situation on your hands.
I'm steady learning to communicate and express my feelings before the pressure even begins to build to avoid a blow out. I'm working to correct my Soda Can Syndrome. 


"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight"
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Before I formed you...

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5


Twenty-two years later, this still rings so true! I am so in awe of God's love for me and all He has planned for me in this life. I am thankful that He has let me live twenty-two wonderful years so far and cannot wait to see what the years ahead hold for me. But this is bigger than just me. Although He feels such strong love like this for me, He feels the same for YOU! YOU are special to him. He knew YOU before He formed you in the womb. He has such amazing plans for YOU, that you have no clue and cannot even think that big! I am reminded of this awesome truth on my birthday today, and I hope you remember it too. 


"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11


-Amanda

September 11, 2001

It's been nine years. Crazy, right? I remember this day. I was your typical 8th grader: rebellious, selfish, trying to fit in. All I was thinking about that day was my 13th birthday being two days away and what I was going to do, what kind of party I wanted, etc. I remember sitting in my English class and all of a sudden the teacher turned on the tv. Weird... we never watch tv. I watched as the planes flew into the towers and there was nothing but smoke in the air. We watched it all day, in every class. We ditched whatever was planned that day and only talked about what was happening, Now, just for a moment I had my eyes off me and my life and was focused others and their pain. How often do we do this as adults? We're so busy checking off the to-do list that we pass right by those who need us. How are we showing the love of Christ by acting that way? Answer is, we're not! And don't you find it sad that the only time we ever hear anything about 9/11 is on the anniversary? Do people still pray for the victims, rescue workers, and soldiers? I know I don't enough! So let today be a reminder to do so, to keep our eyes off self for just a minute, and to thank God for bringing us through!
-Amanda

Last night, at Refuge...

Last night I went to Refuge for the first time. During our worship/prayer time I just began to write:


Thursday, September 9, 2010
God, I'm concerned. And frankly, it makes me angry to see people claiming You and living like hell. Open their eyes! In Philippians 1:20 it says, "For I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die." Why is that not our cry as it was Paul's? We all miss the mark, I understand that, but You did not come to Earth and suffer and die so that we could freely sin and expect You to be okay with it! God, I cry out to You! Open their eyes! Open mine! Your word says in Romans 12:2, "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." So why don't we as Christians do that? What message are we sending the lost? They are already in a mess! Why the heck would they want ours? TURN AWAY from wickedness and run as fast as you can into the arms of God! If "God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the kingdom of Heaven is theirs" (Matthew 5:10) then why are we expecting God to bless our mess? He won't do it! "I know all things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other. But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" (Revelation 3:15-16). You may be fooling everyone else, but you're not fooling God. Take off the mask and show everyone the real you! "But if we would examine ourselves, we would not be judged by God this way. Yet when we are judged by the Lord, we are being disciplined so that we will not be condemned along with the world." (1 Corinthians 11:31-32). No one is perfect, which is why we need God. Let Him lovingly correct you! Be the fireball for Christ that the world needs. Show them something different. Break the stereotypes that either we are all hypocrites or we are all stuffy and boring. Be the light; be the difference; be what this world needs! But "you must not turn away from any of the commands I am giving you today, nor follow after any other gods and worship them." (Deuteronomy 28:14)


There you have it. I'm not here to condemn, because I am just as guilty sometimes. But that is what God put on my heart last night. It was like a heavy burden I couldn't shake until I wrote it out. I am praying for all of you! Until next time....
-Amanda